One of the hardest steps is the first - identifying the pattern. We all have them, it's just seems easier to keep blaming others for our problems, or ignoring that we've had the same fight with someone 100 times, or even that we don't like to be around certain people/scenarios/etc. These are all good circumstances to look for (when you are ready) and identify a pattern that you are playing out over-and-over again. Other good places to identify patterns is to watch the scenes and conversations unfold with those you live with, the family you grew up with, your work relationships, and even with friends. Most all of our patterns were formed as children so this is why our family has a knack for bringing these out in us. They become difficult to identify, and break, because they are so ingrained in us that we don't even notice they are there. It really takes a lot for us to step back and see things in a different light.
Part of this work is being able to look at your shadow side – your "flaws." And this means admitting that you are not perfect. This can be an immense obstacle that can prevent many people from going any further into pattern breaking. Those that believe they can do no wrong may be able to identify the pattern, but then will keep the blame all external, unable to look at their role in the pattern. This is obstacle number 2.
So once we've identified our pattern and accepted ownership of it, we must identify the root. Identifying the root will help heal the old would that caused the pattern to appear in the first place and will also help us in the future when we uncover other patterns that are actually just different manifestations of the one we are currently looking at, but lead us back to the same wounded feeling. If we are able to identify that wound, then it will be easier to identify this pattern and similar ones in the future because it will feel familiar within our physical, emotional and energetic bodies.
Many of our patterns come back to not fully loving and accepting ourselves – this is why I wrote The Power of Love blog. Some other common ones are not feeling safe, not feeling as if we belong, and not speaking our voice (or not feeling heard).
The "fun" part is that all patterns demonstrate themselves in different ways for each of us. I like to turn this pattern breaking stuff into a game of detective work. It's not like it's spelled out for you – you have to dig deeper to see what's before you so you can identify it. Finding that root is key, but it also takes a lot of courage.
And now we encounter the take action step of breaking the pattern. Another difficult step. Again, this is not an easy task. (Who am I kidding? None of these steps are easy.) We have to identify the pattern as it is unfolding. Whoa! This takes a gigantic amount of awareness and courage. As you move through the action step you will identify the pattern at various stages. It may be a day/week later, it may be just after the incident played out, it may be in the middle of it, or it may be as you begin to step into the pattern itself. This piece of the puzzle will take an indeterminate amount of time to solve. Not the answer we want to hear, but it's the truth. Our self awareness will play a big part in this, and so will our courage and willingness to be vulnerable. It takes a big person to stand in the midst of a pattern and own it. (This is a good place to mention that meditation helps us grow our self awareness. See Times of Transition for additional tips.)
The action step involves using the first 3 steps to help break the pattern. When you really take ownership of the pattern that you've identified, then you will begin to see it playing out before you a lot easier. When you fully know the root and can feel it within your body, you will be able to tune into and identify that feeling and know that you are stepping into your pattern. This will be key to helping you identify and break it.
You also have to remember that, no matter the point where you realize that you've hit the pattern, that is progress! Even though you may feel frustrated that you are bound to the pattern, be sure to celebrate! That awareness in identifying it, no matter the point in time in which you did, is success! Remember to love yourself as you are going through this process. Hey, that might even be the root of your pattern, so you get another opportunity to try it out. :)
Once you realize that you are playing out the pattern, you can change your programmed emotional response to a response of your true nature. This, is beautiful.
The process is not easy, but whoever said life would be easy? However, it doesn't have to be hard, either. But we make it hard. It's our own forgetfulness of who we are, and it's this inability to see our true nature and the true nature of everything around us that makes our journeys so tough. It's our own patterns that lay over and cover us, embedded into our egos, that prevent this. And it's busting through these patterns that allow us to see our true selves again.
Got any thoughts on this pattern breaking business? Please share them below.